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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23607289">Shouganai</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemerockruffs/pseuds/givemerockruffs'>givemerockruffs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Just Roll With It (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arc 2 spoilers, Experimental Style, Gen, Trauma, i was rly on some crack when i wrote this idk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:15:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23607289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemerockruffs/pseuds/givemerockruffs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Taxi thinks about Br'aad and also talks to him a little... I guess.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Br'aad Vengolor &amp; Taxi the Tabaxi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Shouganai</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>me at 4 am: literally abt to cry over Br'aad Trauma and his friendship with Taxi<br/>me 8 hours later: what the fuck was i trying to write here (finishes it anyway)</p><p>anyway i don't normally write in 2nd person like this bc it makes me uncomfortable to read but 4 am me decided this is how this had to be written so..enjoy being Taxi for 2357 words i guess.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>While you all have, Br’aad specifically has gone through a lot during the time you’ve all been together.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you met, he was loud, eccentric in a way you’ve never seen a man; had a joke to accompany every word out of his mouth.  While it could be annoying, it gave him character. And he made things feel a little less scary sometimes — more lighthearted.  To be fair, he still has those qualities. Still loud, still eccentric, still loves a good joke. And in some ways, he’s gotten better — he’s learned from his many mistakes, he’s become more thoughtful.  Matured, you suppose. Somewhat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s unsurprising, though, really, what with the lot of you have seen — him losing his brother temporarily and all, specifically.  Killing his own father. Velrisa killing that child. Whatever weird shit that asshole of a patron he used to have made him deal with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He seems sadder now, that all being said.  Sometimes there are times where you would expect him to crack a joke, but it never comes.  Sometimes you wait for him to pipe up in a conversation between the group where he normally would, but he doesn’t.  More weighed down by things, it seems. There’s less of a spark in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Br’aad was freed of his pact with his patron (you know next to nothing of him, other than that Br’aad hates him and he’s something to do with Time), you noticed an immediate change (aside from all his tattoos going gold) in him; he was happier, lighter.  He looked like he truly felt free. However, it seemed that it was short lived. Perhaps he feels that, as a bard now, he does less for the lot of you now. Well, while you don’t think that’s true, you wouldn’t be able to refute the fact that he can no longer shoot eldritch energy from his hands and such — and perhaps that would be considered a downfall.  Regardless, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>this does not make him weak.  He is helpful in many other ways (albeit still a troublemaker at times).  But that doesn’t mean he feels the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You only have this inkling of a suspicion because of one thing you’ve heard from him before. Br’aad is not inclined to share his plights with the group, you know this.  He is quiet when something bothers him, you’ve been around him long enough to know; only once has he opened up to you genuinely and directly. Then, never again. However, you remember what he’d said.  It was after he’d accidentally set that town on fire, atop Ug. He told you he felt like, even with everyone helping him, he felt he couldn’t… “get it right.” You’d been caught off guard at the time, having simply asked what to name Ug minutes before.  You wish you’d said something more comforting to him in that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why he became a warlock to begin with, you assumed.  That feeling of uselessness. And you suspect he still carries it with him, now more than ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You don’t think it went away when he was under pact, either, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You start thinking back on all these things the more you notice him dawdling in the back of the group, keeping quiet when you’d expect him to speak; the more he starts doing things that just aren’t… Br’aad-like.  There’s not been a </span>
  <em>
    <span>huge </span>
  </em>
  <span>change in him, but to someone as perceptive as you, it’s a significant one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You worry about him a little.  Maybe more than a little.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>You’re all around a fire.  It’s a rare night where you all have no danger looming over you.  No immediate need to up and run. You’re in the forest, and you feel safe.  There’s no noise but the crackle of the fire and the distant sound of an owl.  The trees sway gently in the night breeze, light of the stars peeking through the leaves above.  Everything is peaceful. However, you still sit awake as a watch for the time being. In a few hours, you’ll wake Vel as you all had planned before settling down, and you’ll swap places.  Everyone is laid out on their bedrolls around you, in a circle around the fire. You enjoy the quiet sounds of nature for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some time passes, just you and the night, and Br’aad jolts awake suddenly from across the fire.  He looks… not as startled as you would expect someone waking from a nightmare to look, but still jarred nonetheless.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright?” You inquire just for the sake of it.  He shakes his head somewhat; not in a “no, I’m not” way but more in a “please, I need a moment” way.  Regardless, you unfold your legs and brace your hands and feet on the ground to stand. Comforting Br’aad has always just… come naturally to you for some reason, you suppose.  Br’aad’s eyes snap over to look at you and he holds up a hand, waves it at you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no — I’m ok, Taxi,” he says in a bit of a shaky voice.  You pause where you are in an awkward, half-crouched position now.  Br’aad is very open with you. He never rejects you. You stand up and start walking over to him anyway, and he doesn’t say anything else.  He just looks away from you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are clearly not,” you say to him as you sit back down cross-legged beside his bedroll. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I‘m a-ok,” he insists.  He spares you a glance as if he expects you not to be looking at him, and quickly looks away again when his eyes meet yours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let out a heavy sigh through your nose.  “Br’aad…” You think about how he’s been… off.  “You’ve been kind of… how do I say this… Off, lately?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Br’aad takes a moment to answer you.  His eyebrows scrunch up. “...Are you saying that, or are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>asking</span>
  </em>
  <span> me if I’ve been off?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a question that’s like him, honestly.  “I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying</span>
  </em>
  <span> that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And...well, then, what about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The more you talk the more he curls in on himself; legs moved up to his chest and arms, hands resting on both knees.  Half his face is hidden behind his legs, muffling his words somewhat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’m just… a little worried,” you go on.  “You… acting weird, and now a nightmare…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you know I had a nightmare?”  Br’aad tries to play dumb. “Could’ve been anything that woke me up, really!  And even if I did, it’s not like I’ve been having them regularly or anything, so why would it matter to you so much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You stare at him, then blink slowly.  There’s a tiredness in you, and you’re a little out of it.  That last part — he had a point. You don’t really know why it would matter to you, either.  You came on a little strong with that, probably.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Sorry,” you say belatedly.  “I don’t… know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then, I think I’ll get back to sleep!” he goes on to say.  You just watch him as he turns further away from you and lays back down stiffly.  He clearly expects you to go away, pretending to sleep. So, you do. You go back to your original spot.  Not even a little while passes before Br’aad sits back up, looks back over at you, and then stands up.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to...go and think.”  And then he runs off.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You sigh again.  Br’aad does not simply “go and think.”  A moment later, you stand up and walk after him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t go far, just past a few trees out of their little clearing, and is sitting behind one of them with a particularly large trunk.  When you approach him, it’s from behind, and you see he has his legs stretched out on the ground in front of him, arms folded in his lap and he’s looking downwards, head hanging.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Br’aad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head whips slightly around the tree to look at you with wide eyes, much more surprised you followed him than you expected.  You notice the tears in his eyes. Immediately, you’re more awake than before. You stand there for a moment, looking at him, processing that he’s crying.  You’ve seen Br’aad cry a good handful of times (he’s quite unashamed of it usually, which is good, you suppose) but it still startles and upsets you. As you watch him, he begins to ramble.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, look at that!  You’ve made me get a pine needle in my eye, Taxi!  My eye just won't stop tearing now, this is quite a problem!”  He wipes at his eyes and tries to make it appear graceful. “You should really get back to the camp, Taxi; you never know if an Umberhulk could pop up and sneak attack everyone!  That’s what you’re there for.” As he goes on, you move to kneel beside him. He turns away from you and keeps talking. “I’m just looking at the earthworms, really! Just enjoying the scenery.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Br’aad, you don’t just leave camp to think.  I think that’s the most unlike-you thing you’ve done yet.”  You attempt to be lighthearted. Br’aad is just quiet. “I’m just… kind of worried about you, in all honesty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, why?” your friend asks in an innocent way, as if he doesn’t know what could possibly be off about himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been quiet lately.  And weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Br’aad’s nose scrunches up in confusion at you.  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks genuinely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… You know, you've just been weird!” you insist.  “Come on, Br’aad… I know something — or things — is bothering you.  You can tell me, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, sure,” says your friend with a forced nod.  “If only something </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> wrong!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Br’aad.”  You repeat his name seriously.  He looks at you this time, tears dried but eyes still wide and glassy.  “Maybe it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, in which case I’m sorry, but I care about you.”  You pause and clear your throat. “We all do. And I just have picked up that… you’ve been different since all that… Ob-whoever business, specifically.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Br’aad replies lamely.  “Well, this is news to me,” he insists.  He fiddles with a strand of grass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want to know what’s troubling you.  It has to be something. No one can go through the things we have and not have things bothering them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just…” Br’aad struggles to work his mouth, clearly looking for the right thing to say.  You leave some space in the air for him to talk, quiet for a moment while he gathers himself.  “I… I don’t know. I guess some things bother me.” He says it as if it’s news to him, like he didn’t realize this before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,”  you say. “Want to talk about your nightmare?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh…” His eyes dart around.  “Want to talk about </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> nightmare...?”  You roll your eyes.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Br’aad, that doesn’t even make sense.”  Your friend lets out a short-winded sigh and fidgets a little where he sits.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I have a lotta nightmares,” he eventually says.  “I don’t, like… wake up from all of 'em like that, though.  Sometimes I’m just fine. Just kinda wake up with a sick feeling, I guess.”  He gives you a look as if asking for some kind of approval. You nod at him, hoping that suffices.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He goes on.  “I, uh… I dream a lot about Brendan, I guess.  And Sylnan.” A pause. “Ob’nockshai, sometimes.  Y’know, the usual. Um… my dreams are kinda weird, though.  Don’t think I could describe ‘em if I wanted to, Taxi!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” you say.  That all makes sense.  It’s the kind of stuff you’d expect him to dream about.  “So, then… what’s troubling you right now?” you ask gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Br’aad sighs in a way you recognize as him giving up before responding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, I just… I dunno, I guess there’s a lot on my mind right now in general,” your friend says, gesturing randomly as he speaks.  “So much has happened and I kinda just have it all inside me at all times ‘n stuff, following me around and all… It’s tough sometimes. A lot of the time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You nod thoughtfully at him.  You feel that way too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it,” you tell him, and he nods back.  As Br’aad continues to talk, you scooch over to sit closer to him, in one another’s arm room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Taxi, do you… think I’m a burden?”  The question catches you a little off guard. Even so, you barely hesitate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not.”  You say it solidly and with confidence.  He glances over at you and your eyes meet.  “Br’aad, you’re an essential part of the group just as much as any of us.  We wouldn’t be where we are now if it wasn’t for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opens his mouth to say something, looking unsure, but you don’t let him.  “You’ve had your fuck-ups, yeah — a fair share of them, even. But we all have.  Big ones. So in the end it doesn’t really matter. We’re all the same that way.”  You sigh through your nose again. “So you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. None of us are better than the other.  And you don’t give yourself enough credit for what you do </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span>, either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Br’aad looks like he’s leaving something left unsaid.  However, after a moment passes of you simply making eye contact, his expression seems to relax, almost like he made peace with whatever he was planning to say in a mere moment.  Then, his eyebrows furrow a bit as if he’s about to cry; your own widen in response, unconsciously. He looks touched, but just as quickly as the expression came on, he shakes it off and his entire demeanor changes.  He breaks out into a playful grin, body relaxing, pulls back a bit from your space and then socks you in the arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ow!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, well you don’t have to look at me with such intense eyes, Taxi!”  He laughs as you hiss in slight pain — he didn’t even hit you hard, you’re just sensitive.  You rub at your arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But thank you.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Shouganai – Connected to the idea of fate, this word means that something can’t be helped, so why worry about it?  Worrying won’t stop the bad things from happening; it will only stop you from enjoying the good ones.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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